Working on trust and patience

Today I had an interesting morning. I have Human Physiology at 9, so I set my alarm for 7. I woke up, turned it off and though, "I'll lay here for just a minute." Bad idea! Next thing I know it's 8:2o and I have to leave in 15 minutes. Normally not showering wouldn't be the worst thing ever, but we went swing dancing last night, and I felt so gross! Somehow I made it to class by 8:45, only wearing mascara, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed. It's my goal to get an A in physiology, so there's no way I was going to miss the third day of class. Luckily it's my only class on Tuesdays, so I was able to come home and shower before work. I'm sure it was quite funny to watch me run around getting ready in a panic this morning :)

After work I was going to clean the kitchen, and I found a bunch of stuff our guy friends had left at our apartment. I took them back to their apartment, and ended up watching two episodes of Psych. Not super productive, but very entertaining. I then went to an SI for physiology. Man was that a wake up call! I thought I was understanding everything, but aparently not. Our SI instructor put four questions on the overhead, and I only knew two of them. I guess I need to study . . . . a lot. Why did I save physiology for my last semester? Well shoot!

I swear, Taylor Swift has a song for however I feel about boys. If I hate them, like them, am frustrated with them, she has the ability to put into words exactly how I feel. The lyrics don't always fit perfectly, but some are so true. The song that's been describing my life lately is 'The Story of Us'

'Cause lately I don't even know
what page you're on
Oh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fall out
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone
In a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
Since the twist of fate
When it all broke down
But the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes
And trying to look busy
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you
But I don't know how
I've never heard silence
Quite this loud


I really hate how so many of my emotions can depend on one person. Whenever something's not working out I always wonder if it's something I've done wrong . . . . I'm not a flirt, and I've had people tell me that they can't tell when I like someone. Of course my roommates always know, because we talk about it . . . a lot. But I guess I don't flirt like most girls do, and apparently guys can't tell if I'm interested. I've been trying to figure myself out lately. I'm so used to nothing ever working out, that I've come to expect it not to. For some reason, I'm super weird when it comes to a boy knowing I like him. I think I don't flirt a lot, because I worry that they'll think I'm weird for liking them, and then it'll be awkward, even if the guy's shown interest. I think that I'm also scared of getting hurt. I figure if I don't put a lot into it and it doesn't work out, then I won't be as hurt. Because, if I put everything into a relationship and it doesn't work, then it must be me that's the problem. My roommate once told me that you have to take risks to get the greatest rewards, and I know it's true, but I hate taking risks. Even now when there's a boy that I like a lot, I didn't take any risks, and now I don't know where anything stands . . . He treats me different than my roommates, and it drives me crazy. I've tried so hard not to like him, and I haven't made any progress. I really hate having this problem, and I can't fix it. I hate not having control over it . . .

So Sunday night I had my fb status something about being frustrated about something I can't fix. The next day I got a random text from a boy I actually don't really know that well. I know him through my roommate. Last year we were bored at a Secondhand Serenade concert waiting for it to start. We decided to be creepers and text each other's friends we didn't actually know. She gave me the number of one of her high school friends. We had fun creeping him out, and we've texted randomly since then. I met him once this summer when I visited, so I know him a little. He texted me and asked how I was. I replied fine and asked him how he was, thinking it was a bit random. He then told me he wanted me to explain my fb status. While it might seem weird to explain the whole story to a boy I barely know, it actually really meant a lot to me. Here's this boy, who I don't even really know, and he knew I was upset about something, and wanted to make sure everything was okay. It was really sweet, and it made me feel tons better. Even though I don't know him well, I told him the gist of what's been going on. He got one long text message :) I don't know if he was expecting me to actually tell him, but I did, and it felt so good to be able to tell someone who doesn't know anything about it, or anyone involved really. I'm pretty sure his text was one of those little tender mercies, and I'm very greatful for it. It also helped me to see how God can answer people's prayers through other people. I didn't pray for someone to text me, or to even ask how I felt, but I'd prayed to feel better about the situation. My friend didn't fix anything, but he listened, and I felt better. God is so loving and good, and I need to have more trust and faith in him. I know everything's going to work out, I just need to get past the frustration of the moment. No matter how much I want things to work out the way I want, I know that what's right and best for me will happen. Once again, patience.

I'm also greatful for my sister and roommates. I'm sure they're all tired of hearing me go on about things, but they always listen, and I'm greatful for that. Even if the talking doesn't actually solve any of the problems, it helps me feel like I'm not alone in my problems, and that they're not going to explode inside me.